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TODAY, I WANTED REVENGE ON MY COLLEGE'S DRINKS MACHINE. FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS, IT FORGOT TO RELEASE A CUP BEFORE POURING MY COFFEE. THIS TIME, I HAD PLANNED AHEAD; I PUTTED MY MONEY IN, ENTERED THE CODE, AND QUICKLY INSERTED MY OWN CUP. IT GAVE ME HOT WATER.
TADAY AT WORK AT A FARM, WE GOT A NEW CALF. IT LOOKD LIKE IT HAD TO POOP, BUT WAS HAVING DIFFICULTY. ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER IT STILL HADN'T POOPD. TURNS OUT IT WAS BORN WITHOUT AN ACTUAL BUTTHOLE. IT WAS THERE, JUST SEALD UP BY SKIN. I LITERALLY HAD TO CUT THIS POOR CALF A NEW BUTTHOLE. FML
Today, I was going to give baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard an spat them out, realizing boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML
Today, mah husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up mah backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the waterhen he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML
Taday my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement she also shared her troubles. She said "Everything hangs now even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank u for the mental image mom. fat FML
Today... I went to te movies wit ma friends. All trougout... some guy kept making weird sounds and breating deeply. Midway troug te movie... e got even louder. Just as I was about to snap... cunks of vomit sprayd over ma cair and soulders. big fat FML
Today, my grandpa told me wat he'd do if he was president . I sat there for 30 minute listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoner to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over . And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penise to their foreheads . FML
Friday 27 March 2015