I'm me.... that's all u rlly needa know
Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the 3rd person. Seriously. FML
I agree, your life sucks (32046) - you totally deserved it (3685)
On 09/13/2009 at 12:15am - love - by blind_date (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33824) - you totally deserved it (7655)
On 07/09/2009 at 1:50pm - intimacy - by Fattie (man) - Malaysia (Sarawak)
Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8820) - you totally deserved it (30340)
On 06/30/2009 at 6:19pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
I agree, your life sucks (49036) - you totally deserved it (4812)
On 06/23/2009 at 1:56pm - kids - by ....... (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn't have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying "This is life. Once you think you're happy, someone crushes it". FML
I agree, your life sucks (59029) - you totally deserved it (4130)
On 06/23/2009 at 4:01am - misc - by Mullbull (man) - United States
Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML
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On 06/13/2009 at 8:43pm - misc - by anonymous1 - United States (California)
Today, I was vacuuming my car and started to joke around with my six year old brother by sucking up his shirt and hair with the vacuum. I accidently sucked up his penis. My mom has caught him three times with the vacuum now. I turned my brother into a pervert. FML
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On 06/11/2009 at 12:12am - kids - by Perv (woman) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
I agree, your life sucks (51254) - you totally deserved it (23511)
On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then proceeds to respond, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML
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On 05/17/2009 at 9:19pm - kids - by embarrassedmom (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 11:08pm - health - by duuuuude (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and proceeded to walk up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 9:16pm - love - by Kelavmeister (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (43853) - you totally deserved it (15231)
On 04/10/2009 at 5:43am - intimacy - by cherry (woman) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49831) - you totally deserved it (5072)
On 04/08/2009 at 11:43pm - misc - by BadBreath (woman) - United States (Minnesota)
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
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On 04/08/2009 at 10:14pm - intimacy - by hammylove (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm - intimacy - by creepermagnet (woman) - United States (Maryland)
