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taxlor's favorite FMLs
Today, I was home alone and heard the kitchen tap turn on. Shocked, I turned it off. It continuously kept turning itself on so I set my video phone on it to find out the cause. My cat has learnt to turn it on. I later found said cat teaching another. I have three cats. All my taps are like this. FML
by Madster15 / 09/15/2013 at 2:05am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals
Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML
by rachel / 08/10/2013 at 4:56pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Kids
Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML
by Aliiiice / 07/16/2013 at 9:18am / France (Haute-Normandie) / Health
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by vet1 / 07/11/2013 at 11:18am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 10:24am / United States / Intimacy
by Erica / 07/08/2013 at 1:27pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
by jgtrflynn / 06/24/2013 at 12:37am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy
Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML
by blondie107 / 05/06/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML
by Anonymous / 04/28/2013 at 9:57am / China (Shanghai) / Miscellaneous
by Anon / 04/22/2013 at 3:19am / Singapore / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/20/2013 at 12:34pm / Thailand / Kids
by KatiRozz1 / 04/17/2013 at 1:40pm / United Kingdom (Middlesbrough) / Miscellaneous
Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML
by too young for this / 04/12/2013 at 1:11am / United States / Miscellaneous
by guy / 03/15/2013 at 1:31am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I threw up when I got home because I'd been drinking with friends. My parents asked what was… Today, at 11:30 p.m., after a 5-hour train journey to get back to Paris carrying a suitcase that’s… Today, I stumbled upon a slightly drunk neighbor, trying to type in the entry code with his penis.…