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This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
Who’s the fairest of them all?
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sugarnspicee's favorite FMLs
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML
by saywhat / 11/25/2010 at 10:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML
by TheCrackerNinja / 11/25/2010 at 7:55pm / United States (Texas) / Love
by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by blenderbookf / 11/25/2010 at 1:33pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 1:18pm / Singapore / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 12:54pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML
Today, whilst driving to the store, an idiot driver found it to be okay to drive ridiculously fast in below freezing temperatures on the ice and snow. As he passed my car, I angrily gave him the finger. And then I realized I was wearing mittens. FML
by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 12:24am / United States (Washington) / Transportation
Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML
by cartrouble / 11/24/2010 at 10:52pm / United States (North Dakota) / Transportation
Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML
by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML
by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 2:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Work
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
by ryansmithho / 11/24/2010 at 2:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Love
by Heyy / 11/24/2010 at 12:55pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML
by fired / 11/23/2010 at 8:41am / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML
by reesemaster / 11/22/2010 at 7:18pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
- Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily.… Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door,… Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at…