i know my location is a terrible joke
D=
Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29471) - you totally deserved it (6271)
On 05/31/2009 at 9:04am - misc - by yikes78 - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39739) - you totally deserved it (1227)
On 05/30/2009 at 11:18am - misc - by willieboom (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, at the local swimming pool, my friend and I noticed two cute guys had just arrived. When they jumped in, we immediately took off our tank tops and got in the opposite end. They looked over at us, then looked at each other, got out of the pool and left. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29219) - you totally deserved it (8170)
On 05/30/2009 at 9:45am - misc - by yumx24 (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt ?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML
I agree, your life sucks (4198) - you totally deserved it (40346)
On 05/30/2009 at 2:42am - misc - by getmoneyab (woman) - Mexico (Baja California)
Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (42823) - you totally deserved it (3258)
On 05/30/2009 at 12:24am - kids - by sdasdflkjas (woman) - United States
Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22955) - you totally deserved it (37078)
On 05/28/2009 at 1:15pm - health - by ITguy1982 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML
I agree, your life sucks (39636) - you totally deserved it (1576)
On 05/28/2009 at 1:04am - health - by Anonymous - United States (New York)
Today, I asked my mom to check my tonsils cause they were swollen. She said she "had" to go to my brother's game. She spent the next hour on the computer. I passed out from a clogged throat. I woke up in the hospital with my mom yelling at me for being dramatic. I was then diagnosed with lymphoma. FML
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On 05/22/2009 at 7:22pm - health - by Girlwithmono (woman) - United States (Missouri)
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
I agree, your life sucks (87911) - you totally deserved it (18897)
On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML
I agree, your life sucks (54513) - you totally deserved it (3170)
On 05/12/2009 at 12:19am - misc - by Karmas3itch - United States (Ohio)
Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37198) - you totally deserved it (6355)
On 05/11/2009 at 11:14am - health - by Manatee (man) - United States (California)
Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML
I agree, your life sucks (70288) - you totally deserved it (5437)
On 05/11/2009 at 1:12am - intimacy - by Hallllo (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13948) - you totally deserved it (72067)
On 05/10/2009 at 4:25pm - intimacy - by insideout (woman) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I woke up feeling like something was crawling inside my ear. I immediately went to the doctor's, and was told a roach had crawled into my ear. The doctor tried to drown it with water, but that only caused it to swell up and get stuck. I just had a roach removed piece by piece from my ear. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 5:38pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML
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On 04/29/2009 at 12:13am - health - by fat_thighs (woman) - United States (California)
