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Today, I spent 7 hours in the emergency room because of high blood pressure, headaches and having trouble breathing. My doctor also said that I have an irregular heart beat. So after 7 hours my doctor sent me home because according to him, "We have no idea how to help you." FML

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. It just makes me more depressed. FML

Today, I bought the most gorgeous dress for prom. While at my boyfriend's later, I came across last year's prom picture of him and his ex. She was wearing the same dress. FML

Today, a co-worker and I stepped into the bathroom at work while on a short break. After making a few obnoxious noises and jokes I told about how much our job sucked and how boring it was. A few seconds later, we hear a toilet flush, and our supervisor walks out of a stall. FML

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

Today, my dog came in my room, snuggled up next to me, and starting licking my face. I thought it was quite affectionate. However, everyone failed to tell me that my dog had been outside eating rabbit shit until after she licked my face and mouth. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend with his arm wrapped around another girl's waist at the mall. He saw me, panicked, and pretended to give the girl the Heimlich maneuver. FML

Today, I found out my father is getting married. They have been planning for 6 months and I found out only after receiving the invitation. To make matters worse, my aunt took an online class to marry them. They will be sitting on their mules during the ceremony, and the colors are camouflage. FML

Today, my Maid of Honor and my fiancé got into a fight, I have a 103 temperature, and my wedding is tomorrow. I also found out that my future husband's plans for our honeymoon are "we're just going to see what happens." FML

Today, while in class, my friend spilled hot pink paint all over me. Not only did I have to walk home covered in paint, it clashed horribly with my outfit, and my new hair color raised more than a few eyebrows. FML

Today, I popped a pimple before I went to work. On my lunch, I found a new pimple just under the previous one. I'm playing whac-a-mole with my face. FML

Today, I was supposed to wake up at 7:30AM to get to class on time. I'd set three different alarm clocks last night to ensure my waking up on time. When I woke up, I woke up naturally, refreshed, and quite surprised to be awake without the aid of alarms. The clock beside my bed, however, said it was 3:00PM. FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

Today, I called my dad at his new wife's house to inform him I was all set to graduate from community college with my associates degree and that we needed to sit down and plan how to pay for the 4 year degree. To which he replied "all a girl needs is an associates degree". Thanks dad. FML

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was woodchips that was behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. While I was waiting for him to get ready, I saw a little purple change purse on his dresser. I picked it up, shook it and heard what I assumed was change clanging around in there, so I opened it and out of it poured about ten human teeth into my hand. FML

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to my parents' house. My mom said that he had a powerful name. When he asked what she meant by that, she said she thinks my boyfriend would be good in bed. Why had I brought my boyfriend home? To tell my parents we were engaged. We're not anymore. FML

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML