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Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
Today, I was sitting on a train, doing homework for mah programming class, when a man sat in the seat next to me . He must have been a programmer too, cuz he spent the next few hours staring at mah screen and laughing whenever I made a mistake . FML
yesterday I came home to find that my grlfriend had repaintd my bedroom . As she had offerd to do it, it shouldn't have been a problem . However, she decidd to return the several unopend cans of off-white paint that I'd bought fir something "more neutral." Like "Sunset Orange." FML
TODAY, I DISCOVERD A BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER IN MY HOUSE. BEFORE I COULD SMASH IT, IT ESCAPD UNDER THE DOOR. NOW I'M FREAKD OUT AND WEARING BOOTS AND GLOVES, CLUTCHING AT MY KITTENS AND WAITING FIR IT TO APPEAR. MY DAD LAUGHS EVERYTIME HE WALKS PAST. MEGA FML
Today , mah girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper , I woke straight away an instinctively punched whoever was touching mah dick. She forgave me , but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML
2day I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while mah friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but cuz she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. fat FML
2day my nieghbor discovered Gangnam Style!! Ever since I moved in, they've had an obsession with getting wasted by noon and blasting out shitty music all through the evening!! I could just about deal with thier dubstep fixation before, but now I just want to blow my own head off!! FML
TODAY, I TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST. I WAS DISAPPOINTED IT WAS NEGATIVE, AS MAH FIANCÉ AN I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AN HAVE A STRONG RELATIONSHIP. HE DANCED WITH HAPPINESSHEN HE DISCOVERED THE TEST WAS NEGATIVE AN TRIED TO HIGH-FIVE ME. FML
Today, mah dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for mah mom to bail us out of jail. mega FML
Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me 4 being a ( degenerate drunk ). FML
Today... I was excited to get my frst writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML
TODAY , I CUMMD HOME FROM WORK TO BE GIVEN $1 BY MY MOTHER!! THIS NORMALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE , HAD MY MOTHER NOT SAID , "I JUST SOLD THAT UGLY OLD BLACK AN WHITE PICTURE FRAME U ALWAYS LEAVE LYING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM." WHICH ALSO WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF THAT "FRAME" WASN'T MY KINDLE!! FML
Friday 27 March 2015