About scottyrocks123 : Usually bored
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scottyrocks123's favorite FMLs
Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML
by Mewsmash / 01/01/2016 at 11:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
by Anonymous / 12/30/2015 at 10:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML
by buttfingers / 12/26/2015 at 12:37pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation
Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML
by Anonymous / 12/24/2015 at 6:47pm / Australia (South Australia) / Love
Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML
by TabbyCat87 / 04/09/2015 at 3:57pm / United States (Colorado) / Money
by Sam / 04/01/2015 at 7:37am / Netherlands (Groningen) / Work
Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML
by Anonymous / 03/26/2015 at 9:20am / United States (California) / Work
Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML
by MyPoorEyes / 03/19/2015 at 9:19am / Australia (Victoria) / Work
by Eddy / 03/13/2015 at 11:27pm / United States (Arkansas) / Animals
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
by actually just constipated.. and stupid / 03/04/2015 at 10:03am / Tunisia / Health
Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML
by definatelynotamurderer / 03/03/2015 at 9:01am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by mszoe / 03/01/2015 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by confused / 02/26/2015 at 10:07pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…
- Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears.… Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom… Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love…