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sandyclaus's favorite FMLs
Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML
by jay ze punk / 01/29/2013 at 2:56pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Love
Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML
by datingablonde / 01/11/2013 at 12:20am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
by drake86 / 01/09/2013 at 11:42am / United Kingdom (Argyll and Bute) / Miscellaneous
Today, at work, a little girl came in and asked if we had any dance clothes. As I showed her, I asked if she was in a competition. When she said yes, I crossed my fingers and told her I hoped she would win. Unfortunately, I didn't cross them properly and I accidentally gave her the finger. FML
by georgiamarshall_ / 01/09/2013 at 5:42am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work
by ugh / 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids
by thewhompingwillow / 09/01/2012 at 1:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML
by Jarman / 07/26/2012 at 1:39am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by J Rush / 03/21/2012 at 7:46am / United Kingdom (Powys) / Health
Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML
by PatientInWaiting / 03/19/2012 at 6:37am / United States / Miscellaneous
by FoodyFood / 03/19/2012 at 12:59am / Australia (South Australia) / Kids
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
by PUA / 03/14/2012 at 9:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
by Anonymous / 03/13/2012 at 8:51am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Intimacy
by socially awkward / 03/10/2012 at 1:00am / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by Fraser / 03/08/2012 at 2:03pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
by RZ / 03/07/2012 at 10:42am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
- Today, my boyfriend went to the ER. I ran to catch the nearest city bus. My sandal breaks. I had to… Today, my loneliness hit an all time low when I actually considered "accidentally" texting a random… Today, I pulled an unconscious woman from a burning truck. The moment I met her, she and her family…