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sandyclaus

Offline (the 02/09/2014 at 11:17pm) | Search for a member

sandyclaus

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  • Number of visits : 881
  • Number of comments : 17
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

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sandyclaus's favorite FMLs

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

#20484951
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32079) - you deserved it (4550) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 01/29/2013 at 2:56pm - love - by jay ze punk - France (Rhone-Alpes)

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

#20453003
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32462) - you deserved it (8770)

On 01/11/2013 at 12:20am - misc - by datingablonde - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

#20449927
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11350) - you deserved it (28855)

On 01/09/2013 at 11:42am - misc - by drake86 - United Kingdom (Argyll and Bute)

Today, at work, a little girl came in and asked if we had any dance clothes. As I showed her, I asked if she was in a competition. When she said yes, I crossed my fingers and told her I hoped she would win. Unfortunately, I didn't cross them properly and I accidentally gave her the finger. FML

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

#20448629
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34229) - you deserved it (2766)

On 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm - kids - by ugh (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

#20052579
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33008) - you deserved it (10264)

On 09/01/2012 at 1:56pm - intimacy - by thewhompingwillow (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

#19984638
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27995) - you deserved it (5157)

On 07/26/2012 at 1:39am - intimacy - by Jarman (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

#19319473
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24706) - you deserved it (2779)

On 03/21/2012 at 7:46am - health - by J Rush - United Kingdom (Powys)

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

#19306262
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18434) - you deserved it (2050)

On 03/19/2012 at 6:37am - misc - by PatientInWaiting (woman) - United States

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

#19305380
7 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18281) - you deserved it (12719)

On 03/19/2012 at 12:59am - kids - by FoodyFood (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

#19279132
241 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32966) - you deserved it (5855)

On 03/14/2012 at 9:06pm - intimacy - by PUA - United States (Georgia)

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

#19270252
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29896) - you deserved it (7412)

On 03/13/2012 at 8:51am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Netherlands (Noord-Holland)

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

#19249141
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27709) - you deserved it (7850)

On 03/10/2012 at 1:00am - intimacy - by socially awkward - United States (New York)

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

#19239456
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14411) - you deserved it (49980)

On 03/08/2012 at 2:03pm - intimacy - by Fraser - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

#19232651
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27525) - you deserved it (7115)

On 03/07/2012 at 10:42am - intimacy - by RZ (man) - United States (Michigan)



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