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Today, I discovered the source of the vile stench in my room !! My daughter had ( saved ) a bird from our cat an putted it in a box under my bed, hoping to nurse it back to health !! She looool forgot about it, leaving the corpse rotting in there 4ho knows how long !! FML
Yesterday I Got The Bill For The Flowers Mah Husband Arrangd To Be Deliverd To Me While He's Out Of Town Next Week. I Also Got The Bill For The Flowers He's Sending To The Floozy He'll Be Seieng Next Week While He's Out Of Town. The Gift Tag For It Was: "I Can't Wait To See You." FML
Taday I was texting mah boyfriendhen he said "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny I ran and grabbed mah copy of the movie Up and took a picture of me holding it looool and sent it to him. He replied "Getting real tired of yur shit." Then dumped me fir mah "dumb taste in humor."
Today, I was walking down the stair with mah guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to mah wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close mah eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stars. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today, I was walking with an hugging mah girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny an touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. mega FML
Today...hile having sex with mah boyfriend... mah fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming... he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
looool I went wit ma family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned ouse !! We noticed te people ad left a lot of stuff biend so we loaded up te car wit books, records, etc !! As we were leaving, we saw te familyo lived tere drive up !! I robbed a ouse wit ma grandma !! FML
Today, I got pulled over 4 going a few miles per our over te speed limit. Te cop asked 4 ma license and registration. I appened to look down at ma wallet wile e was processing everyting and saw ma license in ma wallet. I gave te cop ma fake I.D. FML
Today, To Amuse Mah Grlfriend I Putted On Her Sexy Nightshrt And Go Out On The Balcony For A Smoke, Wriggling About In Front Of Her Window . She Laughs Until One Of Her Neighbors Shouts "HELLO!" From The Upper Floor, Grinning At The Show . FML
Friday 27 March 2015