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rickster1000

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rickster1000

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rickster1000's favorite FMLs

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

#21190761
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40098) - you deserved it (8011)

On 06/27/2014 at 9:02pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing hysterically, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

#21190484
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45574) - you deserved it (7921)

On 06/27/2014 at 4:22pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - Spain (Comunidad Valenciana)

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

#21188726
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44922) - you deserved it (4796)

On 06/26/2014 at 12:57am - animals - by Pisser (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

#21185495
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48803) - you deserved it (5208)

On 06/23/2014 at 3:52pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

#21184110
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44666) - you deserved it (3217)

On 06/22/2014 at 11:10am - misc - by paywithpoop - United States

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

#21183341
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41907) - you deserved it (4126)

On 06/21/2014 at 5:42pm - misc - by LoveGlove (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

#21182176
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40278) - you deserved it (3403)

On 06/20/2014 at 6:05pm - kids - by Alex (man) - United Kingdom (Ealing)

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

#21181955
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52292) - you deserved it (4834)

On 06/20/2014 at 2:20pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

#21180513
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45216) - you deserved it (7234)

On 06/19/2014 at 10:33am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

#21179816
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39682) - you deserved it (4268)

On 06/18/2014 at 8:58pm - work - by Shannon - United States (Michigan)

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

#21179512
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51452) - you deserved it (4281)

On 06/18/2014 at 3:06pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I got called a slut. I don't know what is worse, the fact I was called it or that I felt strangely flattered that the person thought I was getting any. FML

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

#21178301
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47465) - you deserved it (7050)

On 06/17/2014 at 4:44pm - misc - by ifeelfat (woman) - United States

Today, I almost got written up for insubordination by my boss. All I did was explain to him that I couldn't help a tourist out because I speak Japanese, not Korean, and that it's not in fact "the same Asian shit" as he seemed to think. FML

#21177954
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42650) - you deserved it (2621)

On 06/17/2014 at 11:28am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I went to CVS to buy some tampons. The cashier said, "Ewwww... You're on your period." FML



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