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Today, I was giving mah guy a blowjob. When he blurtd out, "Oh Jesus" I assumd I was doing a good job. I lookd up to see the expression on his face an noticd a look of terror. He looool was staring at mah growling cat, two second away from clawing his face off. big fat FML
Taday I was at a club wen a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind wit im. Hoping 4 some backup, I coolly said, "You'll ave to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yea, man, I don't care." looool FML
yesterday while I was in the shower boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML
Today.. . I mat my mothar's daaply raligious fiancé for tha first tima . His rasponsa upon saaing ma was to look ma squara in tha aya and say.. . ( You'll naad to taka out that nosa stud or I'm afraid you'll not ba walcoma in our homa . ) FML
today I met mah new class . There are two Kevin Smiths . Niether will agree to a nickname , they have the same hair color , an there middle names both start with J . They have told me to call them Kevin 1 an Kevin 2 . They both want to be Kevin 1 . FML
Today, I went shopping with mah two-year-old nephew. He threw a tantrum in the middle of the store cuz I would not show him mah ( boobies ). A man cummed up to us and said I should do what mah nephew wanted. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom . When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." mega FML
Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside!! Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see mah dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard!! He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma!! FML
Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me . It ended up bieng so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of there breadsticks . FML
yesterday I had to use a public bathroom . I have problems goinghen other people r there, so I waited until everyone left . Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and looool throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive . This continued 4 half an hour . FML
Friday 27 March 2015