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randombleeps's favorite FMLs
by lame-o-prof / 07/15/2013 at 5:14pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML
by ugh / 07/04/2013 at 2:28pm / South Africa (KwaZulu-Natal) / Intimacy
Today, I had a job interview. All was going well until the interviewer asked me, "So, why should we hire you?" Without thinking, I blurted out, "Because, I'm awesome!" Don't think I'll be getting that one. FML
by strokesie / 07/03/2013 at 2:56am / United States (Ohio) / Work
by SpiderFather / 07/02/2013 at 4:01am / France / Kids
by Acidic Donut / 06/30/2013 at 7:48pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML
by sorry, kiddo / 06/30/2013 at 5:44pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Kids
by okeythen / 06/30/2013 at 1:03am / United States (Florida) / Love
by unfortunate / 06/30/2013 at 12:45am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML
by Anonymous / 06/29/2013 at 1:18pm / Czech Republic / Transportation
by not cool / 06/28/2013 at 1:16am / Australia (Queensland) / Health
Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML
by blahblah / 06/26/2013 at 9:57pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by bleeeaaaaaacccccchhhhhhhh / 06/21/2013 at 5:00pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, my brother got one of those water-vapour cigarettes. I was playing around with it, and my neighbour saw me through the window. She came over to yell at my parents about my "addiction" to marijuana. When my parents told her to get lost, she called the cops and tried to get me arrested. FML
by aimee_alexis / 06/20/2013 at 1:30am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML
by notkatvond / 06/19/2013 at 2:46pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 12:12pm / United States (New York) / Kids
- Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush… Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat,… Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe…