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Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she looool had to fake an orgasm. FML
Today in tha middla of tha night I got up to go gat soma watar !! Whan I cummad back I was going to flop onto mah bad but I facaplantad into mah floor !! I'd forgottan that I'd raarrangad mah room an movad mah bad !! FML
Today, I met mah girlfriend's father fir the first time; he asked me to explain mah interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with yur daughter" and "I want to be in yur daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in yur daughter." FML
Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin . I guess I got slightly carried away, cuz I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of face, up nose and into eye . FML
today I was slapped acros the face by a grl in the waiting room at the dentist's office!! She thought I was taking a picture of her breast with mah phone!! I was smilinghile reading other people's FMLs!! FML
Today, mah friands and I wara playing truth or dara gama. It was lata and wa wara drunk, so thay darad ma to run nakad into mah naighbor's yard whila yalling, "Halp! Tha pixias took mah panis!" I ran scraaming right into thair big family raunion. maga FML
today I had the best sex of looool our relationship with mah boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, lookd me sweetly in the eyes 4 a few moments, then decidd to slap me in the face with it. real FML
YESTERDAY, JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO ORGASM, MY BOYFRIEND WHISPERED, "CUM, MY PRECIOUSSSSS" INTO MY EAR, IN HIS SCARILY ACCURATE GOLLUM VOICE. I THINK MY CLITORIS JUST ABOUT WITHERED AWAY IN DESPAIR. FML
Friday 27 March 2015