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Today mah dad and grandpa cummed to a charity event that I helped set up 4 people who have autism . I appreciated there support until I heard mah dad say "Man some of these 'tards r pretty hot." and mah grandpa replying "Yeah . Probably like dead fish in bed though." FML
Taday my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound ( too black ) and it's ( upsetting ) some of our customers. I don't know what that even means , but my boss said I need to ( tone it down or we're gonna have some problems ). FML
Taday I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there 4 nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML
yesterday mah boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate . When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the oneho knocks, babe." FML
Today, I was at Basic Training fir the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You r required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. fat FML
Today, I was about to make a left turn . In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change . On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and wavd . She leand out and yelld, "The light's rd, asshole." FML
TODAY, I CAME HOME IN TERES OVER FINDING OUT MY BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN CHEATING ON ME. I TOLD MY SEEMINGLY SYMPATHETIC DAD EVERYTHING. HIS ADVICE WAS TO LURE THEM BOTH TO OUR HOUSE WITH THE PROMISE OF A THREE-WAY, AFTERHICH HE'D "KILL THE SHIT" OUT OF THEM. REAL MATURE, DAD. FML
Today, I was chatting with a co-workar, and sha mantionad sha has troubla swallowing pills. I rapliad that I'm lucky, bacausa I hava naxt to no gag raflax. Half tha guys at tha othar ragistars abruptly want silant, and I'm now baing constantly hit on. FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush,ho turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked mehich dog breed I lyk the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. big fat FML
Today, I was running on the treadmill at mah local gymhen I saw a girl I lyk a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written ( Obama is a beautiful chocolate man ) to every essay question. FML
Friday 27 March 2015