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porkchops878's FML badges
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porkchops878's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML
by rachiej8 / 06/10/2012 at 12:13am / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML
by Anonymous / 06/07/2012 at 1:41pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
by BrianTheLion89 / 06/06/2012 at 5:37pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, my father-in-law called me an idiot for buying him coffee cake because he can't have caffeine. He refuses to believe that there's as much coffee in coffee cake as there is ham in a hamburger. FML
by 635CSi / 06/06/2012 at 1:23am / United States (California) / Health
Today, my husband went nuts. He's quit his job and set out building an amateur bomb shelter in our backyard. According to him, there's "substantial evidence" that cannibalism is on the rise across the country, and that "it's gonna be like Resident Evil out there, babe." FML
by why... / 06/05/2012 at 1:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
by ironyisabitch / 06/02/2012 at 1:43am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2012 at 2:47pm / United Kingdom (Vale of Glamorgan, The) / Miscellaneous
Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2012 at 1:46am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my 14-year-old brother told me he needed help with something "very personal." Thinking he wanted girlfriend advice or something, I said, "Sure, no problem". He wanted me to shave his butt crack. FML
by liquid_sasquatch / 05/29/2012 at 6:40pm / United States / Kids
Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML
by The Bearded Woman / 05/29/2012 at 12:06am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids
by Phil / 05/28/2012 at 5:17pm / Canada / Health
Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML
by namenlos / 05/27/2012 at 5:53pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
by dany / 05/26/2012 at 3:34pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/25/2012 at 8:15pm / United States / Kids
Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML
by MySummerinEurope / 05/25/2012 at 6:59pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Intimacy