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poppyseed420's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML
by Anonymous / 08/14/2013 at 5:11am / United States (Florida) / Animals
Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML
by bargainshopper / 10/16/2012 at 7:28am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML
by Anonymous / 09/24/2012 at 1:07am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love
Today, while working at the pet store, I had to feed the snakes. I'd thawed too many mice, so instead of wasting one, I fed it to our turtles. They decided to play tug of war with it, ripping it in half in front of several terrified children. FML
by Anonymous / 08/23/2012 at 12:50pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML
by roadkill0321 / 11/07/2011 at 2:20am / United States / Love
Today, I went to the hospital with a broken hand. They gave me a cast and some prescription pain medication. The only problem is that the bottle of medication is child-proof, I live alone and I can't open it with one hand. FML
by charlotte9338 / 10/23/2011 at 7:32pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML
by Awie / 10/20/2011 at 4:26am / Austria (Wien) / Love
Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML
by bananagurl4242 / 07/16/2011 at 1:34am / United States (Oklahoma) / Holidays
by Anonymous / 06/29/2011 at 7:52pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
by girlshavepenises / 06/28/2011 at 2:39am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 06/01/2011 at 2:06pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML
by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 1:38pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous
by snowball / 12/29/2010 at 6:32pm / Switzerland (Zurich) / Miscellaneous
Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML
by screwthewilderness / 10/04/2010 at 2:46am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about… 2Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually… 3Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and…
- Today I received a phone call for a reservation (I'm a B&B owner) for 12 firefighters (he said they… Today, it has been a week since I moved into my new house. Turns out that the previous owner of the… Today, during an extremely romantic moment of cuddling with my girlfriend she started to cry, turns…