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Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML
Today, I was changing the garbage at a local fast food place where I work. Being a rather short guy, I had to lean back and fling the full, heavy bag at the top. I did so with such force that my head hit the dumpster, knocking me out. FML
Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML
Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. I worked my ass off planning everything down to a T. It seemed perfect, until I actually proposed, at which point I was rejected and dumped, in front of my family, friends and two coworkers. FML
Today, I farted so loudly I not only woke myself up, but my husband as well. He mistook my gas for someone trying to break in and insisted on checking the whole house. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth. FML
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
Today, I was out drinking with some colleagues, when one started ranting about some pretty sensitive subjects. There were some Latino guys nearby, and as soon as he said "I'm not racist, but..." I tried to casually get the hell out of there. We all got the crap beaten out of us anyway. FML
Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML
Today, I was texting a girl I like, explaining how she looks like an attractive celebrity. She responded with a picture of a very unattractive lady and asked if she looked like that. I told her if she had been caught in a burning building, then yes, that would look like her. It was of her mom. FML
Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML
Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML
Monday 1 September 2014