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Mobility
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Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML
I agree, your life sucks (27686) - you deserved it (6387)
On 03/15/2013 at 12:01am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML
I agree, your life sucks (36766) - you deserved it (7822)
On 03/14/2013 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)
Today, due to a flat tire, I only had 20 minutes to complete a 35 minute walk to catch my train. I ended up sprinting up the snow-covered frozen hill in heels, luggage in hand, only to arrive 1 minute in time, and to find out that the train had been cancelled. Next train in 1 hour. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29832) - you deserved it (2553)
On 03/13/2013 at 10:50am - misc - by KK3137 (woman) - France
Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30250) - you deserved it (3026)
On 03/13/2013 at 9:47am - work - by Anonymous - United States (California)
Today, I was cleaning a house. While dusting a rickety nightstand, a drawer fell open and a light-up dildo fell out and turned on. I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28716) - you deserved it (2288)
On 03/13/2013 at 9:36am - intimacy - by OptimusVader (woman) - United States
Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (28321) - you deserved it (3135)
On 03/12/2013 at 6:43pm - kids - by um... maybe (man) - United Kingdom
Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML
I agree, your life sucks (29283) - you deserved it (2021)
On 03/12/2013 at 3:03pm - misc - by PhailedMidterm (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I met the man of my dreams. We saw a movie, then went to a bar. It went perfectly, until he got wasted and started singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" to me while everyone laughed. Then I woke up, having just been Rickrolled by my own subconscious. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28268) - you deserved it (4450)
On 03/12/2013 at 12:43pm - misc - by ShadowBox (man) - Netherlands (Gelderland)
Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24051) - you deserved it (1605)
On 03/12/2013 at 10:05am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20356) - you deserved it (6209)
On 03/12/2013 at 12:43am - misc - by Anonymous - United States
Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24607) - you deserved it (37042) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!
On 03/11/2013 at 8:21pm - intimacy - by Lilypad (woman) - Sent from mobile version
Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24814) - you deserved it (4020)
On 03/11/2013 at 7:32pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Ireland
Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22099) - you deserved it (1766)
On 03/11/2013 at 10:03am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)
Today, my 3 year old woke up at 2 am and refused to go back to sleep unless she could sleep with her father and me. Normally we would have said no, but both of us being so tired, we said yes. She slowly kicked me out of my side of the bed and now I have to sleep on the couch. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16514) - you deserved it (10348)
On 03/11/2013 at 4:37am - kids - by MissShei (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25948) - you deserved it (1660)
On 03/11/2013 at 12:09am - misc - by marcymoo - Australia (Western Australia)
Monday 20 May 2013
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