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Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML
Today, I ate at Subway during my lunch hour. A group of teenage girls sat down at the table next to mine. They all shared good laugh about the "friendless, chubby chick" sitting near them, while attempting to discreetly point at me. FML
Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML
Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML
Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML
Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML
Friday 19 December 2014