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Today, I was playing monopoly with mah boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankruptd mah boyfriend, he turnd to me and said, "I fuckd your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turnd to the best friend in question, she lookd at the board and said, "I'd like to buy looool a house please." FML
Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down looool in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there r children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. fat FML
Today, my step-dad trid to talk me into getting plastic surgery . His reasoning: ( Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey . ) FML
Today... I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere... a car slowd down in the street... an a passenger screamd ( HAPPY 4TH OF JULY... MOTHERFUCKER... ) before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML
Today, being near-broke, I resortd to sopping at Walmart!! Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a uman being sovd me away from te bacon I was looking at!! I fell, bustd ma lip, ten got screamd at by anoter woman for not watcing were I was going!! FML
Today, I brougt my girlfriend ome fir te first time to meet my parents. Tey were aving a eatd argument because my mom ad bougt "te wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "se sould know tat e as a sensitive anus". FML
Friday 27 March 2015