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Today, My Mom Barged Into My Room At Three In The Morning, Demanding To Know Where I'd Been. I'd Been In My Room Sleeping Since Ten O'clock. In That Time She Had Called The Police, All Of My Friends, And My Ex-boyfriend, Asking If I Was With Them. FML
Today, A Pregnant Woman Got On The Bus . There Were No Free Seats, So I Stood Up To Give Her Mine . An Obese Man Pushed Past Her, Waddled Over, And Oozed Into Mah Seat . I Said It Was 4 The Pregnant Lady . He Called Me A "sexist Bitch" And Claimed He Needed It More . Fat FML
Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and mah friends versus mah boyfriend and his buddies. When we looool won, mah boyfriend went mental and said he only lost cuz of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into mah chest. FML
Today, I was hanging out with mah new boyfriend, and he took me back to his house fir the first time. Tapd to his bedroom door was a sheet of paper emblazond with the words: "THE RAPE DUNGEON". I feel safer already. FML
Today, mah daughter trid to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was cuz a hot coal somehow workd its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. real FML
YESTERDAY I WENT TO BUY A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FIR MAH BOYFRIEND . WHILE BUYING HIM A SWEATER, THE CASHIER TRID TO UP-SALE ME BY ASKING IF MAH BOYFRIEND WORE BRIEFS OR BOXERS, BECAUSE BOTH WERE ON SALE . NOT THINKING, I BLURTD OUT, "I DON'T KNOW, THEY JUST COME OFF." FML
Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML
Today, I met with my Bolivian friend, who's vacationing ere for a few weeks. Eager to show him how welcoming we are in the USA, I took him home an introduced him to my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Bolivia? That's in Europe, right? We saved yur asses in World War 2." FML
TODAY, FAALING LONALY AFTAR MAH RACANT BRAAKUP, I PUTTAD ON MAH NICAST CLOTHAS AND WANT OUT CLUBBING WITH A FAW FRIANDS. I BROUGHT A GUY BACK TO MAH PLACA, AND WA GOT INTIMATA. IT WAS GOING WALL, UNTIL HA TOOK OFF MAH PUSH-UP BRA, THAN PANICKAD AND DRUNKANLY ASKAD, "WHARA'D THAY GO?!" FML
2day I waited over 30 minutes in freezing cold weater for my bus !! Wen it finally arrived, I went to get on board, but slipped and fell on te icy ground !! Te driver waited a wole 2 seconds before snorting, ( Ain't nobody got time for tis sit ), closing te doors, and driving off !! FML
Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to fine out it was a small ice-cube. FML
Today I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average . Feeling good about myself I decided to bake some cookies . After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven I realized I forgot to turn the oven on . big fat FML
Friday 27 March 2015