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newburton13

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newburton13

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  • Number of visits : 8410
  • Number of comments : 748
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 55 posted

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Why am I up so early?

You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.

This isn't what should be happening

You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.

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You have voted for 100% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

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newburton13's favorite FMLs

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

#14974014
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29878) - you deserved it (11189)

On 02/14/2011 at 1:51pm - kids - by Mikabe (woman) - Sweden (Varmlands Lan)

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

#14961230
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41773) - you deserved it (8698)

On 02/13/2011 at 5:32pm - intimacy - by Katrina (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

#14932173
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28497) - you deserved it (3518)

On 02/11/2011 at 3:27am - work - by alliwantisabandaid -

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

#14921394
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10756) - you deserved it (34055)

On 02/10/2011 at 11:09am - misc - by Jaws (man) - France (Alsace)

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

#14909703
335 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51327) - you deserved it (13541)

On 02/09/2011 at 2:22pm - love - by Samyett (woman) - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

#14895043
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40972) - you deserved it (13501)

On 02/08/2011 at 11:57am - love - by Username - United States (Nevada)

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

#14873123
257 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34982) - you deserved it (3109)

On 02/06/2011 at 9:36pm - misc - by LimpMcgee (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

#14855519
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14319) - you deserved it (36678)

On 02/05/2011 at 5:54pm - misc - by Zeco - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

#14847630
202 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46983) - you deserved it (3696)

On 02/05/2011 at 1:07am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Arizona)

Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML

#14832801
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38261) - you deserved it (2599)

On 02/03/2011 at 10:19pm - health - by Pox (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

#14830027
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36572) - you deserved it (6067)

On 02/03/2011 at 7:28pm - intimacy - by Embarrassed -

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

#14772330
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40556) - you deserved it (2678)

On 01/30/2011 at 9:46am - kids - by QuicksilverMaximoff (woman) - United Kingdom (St. Helens)

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

#14753442
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33024) - you deserved it (4157)

On 01/29/2011 at 2:29am - misc - by unlucky dudebag - United States (California)

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

#14747577
321 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8395) - you deserved it (104145)

On 01/28/2011 at 8:06pm - love - by peeoncarl1111 - United States

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

#14728347
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36213) - you deserved it (3221)

On 01/27/2011 at 2:17am - love - by dadum (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)



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