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mrnipples7311's favorite FMLs
by dirtbikeguy / 07/23/2015 at 9:05am / United States (Illinois) / Animals
Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML
by sucked_in / 07/22/2015 at 10:32pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/05/2015 at 11:58am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML
by Anonymous / 01/31/2015 at 12:38am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
by The Soul Of A Damned Queef / 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML
by nosexforthee / 01/23/2015 at 2:25pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML
by Annomymous / 01/23/2015 at 1:12pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML
by kumcat / 01/11/2015 at 12:57am / United States (Illinois) / Love
Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML
by Anonymous / 12/30/2014 at 10:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML
by smooth / 12/30/2014 at 8:39pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 12/12/2014 at 11:02am / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy
by notatherapist / 10/01/2014 at 7:08pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 09/26/2014 at 5:07pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
by Operation Yewtree here I come / 09/26/2014 at 4:40pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML
by Anonymous / 08/25/2014 at 1:44am / United States (Ohio) / Geek