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Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
I agree, your life sucks (56571) - you totally deserved it (4370)
On 04/19/2009 at 10:09pm - health - by Litterbox (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML
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On 04/19/2009 at 4:49pm - love - by wvugirl (woman) - United States (West Virginia)
Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 10:24am - health - by Ian (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I was having a dream that I was climbing out of a well. While almost out I felt someone grab my knee, I screamed loud in terror. When I opened my eyes nearly 25 people we're starring at me, and the lady across from me apologized for hitting me with her bag. I was on the C-train. FML
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On 04/17/2009 at 7:47am - misc - by bluemonday - Canada (Alberta)
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML
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On 04/17/2009 at 1:43am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 11:08pm - health - by duuuuude (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 10:38pm - love - by jacked (woman) - United States (Louisiana)
Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 5:36pm - misc - by Puppysit88 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut M&M's at work when I exclaimed "oh cool they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes but I did eventually realize that I was looking at a regular M&M sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers uncontrollable laughter. FML
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On 04/16/2009 at 3:44pm - misc - by StewPit (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML
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On 04/15/2009 at 3:47pm - health - by caramelkarma (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML
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On 04/15/2009 at 3:45pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (South Carolina)
Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML
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On 04/15/2009 at 2:19pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)
Today, I saw an commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in on the dish and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML
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On 04/15/2009 at 2:19am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I had horrible pains in my stomache area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML
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On 04/14/2009 at 4:40pm - misc - by blehh (man) - United States
Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML
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On 04/14/2009 at 10:07am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
