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Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML
Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML
Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML
Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML
Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that wont work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML
Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML
Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML
Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML
Today, on a thirty minute commute to a job interview, I felt the urge to pee. When I got there, I politely asked the receptionist where the toilets were, and she told me to wait for someone to come show me. After another thirty minutes, someone turned up; the HR manager. FML
Friday 29 May 2015