melhawkey

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melhawkey

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Thursday 22 July 1993 (23 years old)
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 834
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

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melhawkey's FML badges

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melhawkey's favorite FMLs

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2012 at 7:37am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

by kise / 11/28/2012 at 1:20am / Health

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

by Janitoro / 11/22/2012 at 8:19pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML

by DocFUCKINGHATESSTUPIDPEOPLE / 11/22/2012 at 4:03pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2012 at 4:08pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2012 at 4:28pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

by Cslouth / 10/27/2012 at 12:04am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

by Nana / 10/22/2012 at 11:39am / Sweden (Vasterbottens Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

by Holy Testacles / 10/17/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

by Unfortunate / 10/07/2012 at 8:24pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

by firebombtimEFUCKERS / 09/29/2012 at 12:32pm / United States / Health

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

by iNearlyHurled / 09/28/2012 at 4:24am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got stopped by the fuzz. The officer told me he "could care less" about my excuses. He was probably about to let me go without a ticket, but my inner Grammar Nazi kicked in and I explained why he meant to say "couldn't care less." I got the ticket. FML

by GN / 09/17/2012 at 12:47am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML

by mrs14 / 09/10/2012 at 10:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned I'm not allergic to gluten. My mom has kept me on a gluten free diet since I was 5. She was convinced I was allergic to it. I'm 25 and I am writing this over my first slice of pizza in 20 years. FML

by Emma / 09/04/2012 at 5:38pm / United States (Missouri) / Health