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mazdaspeedsteve1's favorite FMLs
Today, I found out why my cat hasn't been coming home for regular meals. Apparently, my elderly next door neighbour has forgotten that her cat is dead and puts food out for it every morning. My cat is exploiting her by impersonating her dead cat to get better food. My cat is an asshole. FML
by assholecat / 10/10/2012 at 4:43am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals
Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML
by TheMissMuffly / 07/31/2012 at 11:53am / United States (Illinois) / Love
by LetItRip / 07/12/2012 at 4:35pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Miscellaneous
by Rapunzel / 03/18/2012 at 4:02pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
by awhmaaan / 02/27/2012 at 10:55am / United Kingdom / Health
Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML
by Anonymous / 02/01/2012 at 1:13am / Canada / Animals
by poopcoloredeyes / 10/31/2011 at 4:06pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
by skichick54 / 08/24/2011 at 1:28am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML
by Coldsnap / 08/12/2011 at 1:25pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML
by PissNTra / 07/19/2011 at 1:11pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
by gir / 07/14/2011 at 3:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
by mongoosemike / 06/07/2011 at 1:55am / Miscellaneous
by greenhide8 / 05/28/2011 at 1:27am / United States (North Dakota) / Money
by Anonymous / 05/22/2011 at 4:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by embarassed / 04/20/2011 at 11:24pm / United States / Health
- Today, while on holiday in Morocco, I got arrested by a cop. “Sir, you were driving at 90 instead… Today, my university fridge is so small that the cucumber I bought doesn’t fit either lengthwise or… Today, I’m a trainee who recently arrived in a prestigious company. My boss walked in on me sorting…