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Today, I went to my grandmom's house 4 an hour or so. When I came home, my boyfriend was on the bed, covered in the sheets an about to cry. Turns out he taped his ballsack to his leg an couldn't get it off cuz it "hurts too much." I'm 24 an he's 26. FML
TODAY, AT A CHRISTMA PARTY, MY CRUSH CAME UP TO ME AND CUTELY POINTED OUT THAT I WAS STANDING UNDER MISTLETOE. THE ONLY RESPONSE MY STUPID BRAIN COULD THINK OF WAS, "PROBABLY FULL OF NARGLE THOUGH." HE GAVE ME A CONFUSED LOOK AND WALKED AWAY. MEGA FML
TODAY, IN BREAK FROM TRADITION, I PROPOSED TO MAH BOYFRIEND!! WE WERE AT A JAPANESE PAGODA!! WATER WAS TRICKLING EVERYWHERE; THE MOMENT WAS PERFECT!! WHILE I WAS ON MAH KNEE, AFTER POURING MAH HEART OUT, HE LOOKED WISTFULLY OUT OVER THE WATER AND SAID, "SO, I WAS THINKING PIZZA TONIGHT." FML
I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down looool for a talk , only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore , for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML
Today, I was getting intimate with mah grlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Taday I discoverd a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decidd to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticd that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature.
Today, mah teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost mah vrginity!! I sarcastically replied that I'm still a vrgin!! She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder your so uptight!! You need to get laid, mom." mega FML
I saw a large spider carry away te body of a dead spider in te batroom. In my antropology class, we learned one of te first signs of civilization is caring for te dead. First, tey become civilized, and next, tey take over. I will never sleep again. FML
Friday 27 March 2015