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lolly_bags's FML badges
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lolly_bags's favorite FMLs
Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
by ugh / 09/03/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health
Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML
by themarrowguy / 08/23/2013 at 6:06am / United States / Health
by thanksad / 08/22/2013 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got fired from my job at an age care facility because I was too nice to my residents. My boss told me "They're deaf, blind and about to jump head first into the grave. We don't pay you to be kind." FML
by sweet23 / 08/18/2013 at 7:43am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
by skaterboy / 08/13/2013 at 11:36am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals
by nela25 / 07/30/2013 at 1:51pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML
by Anonymous / 07/20/2013 at 5:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
by Anonymous / 07/20/2013 at 11:45am / United States (Delaware) / Work
Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML
by Happyunlucky / 07/20/2013 at 2:31am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids
Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML
by ronnieG / 07/16/2013 at 12:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Love
by WOW / 07/13/2013 at 4:40pm / Kenya / Miscellaneous
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 10:24am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML
by frustrated / 07/11/2013 at 12:52am / United States (Tennessee) / Health
by cristy91 / 07/10/2013 at 12:01am / United States (Florida) / Love
by nosestealer / 07/07/2013 at 5:57pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
- Today, I am at work as a programmer. It's 32°C/90°F outside and my coworker needs to have 3 desktop… Today, I was in a cabin retreat with my fraternity brothers. My girlfriend sent me a sexy picture,… Today, my fiance decided that he wasn't ready to be married and that the engagement was off. oh but…