lilmzfob

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lilmzfob

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Madam
  • Birth Date : Tuesday 23 August 1994 (21 years old)
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 1010
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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50 favourites

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It’s in the can

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lilmzfob's favorite FMLs

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

by parenting sucks / 07/01/2011 at 1:42pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

by Nell / 06/30/2011 at 5:10pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

by RYZILLAHitZ / 06/29/2011 at 9:32pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

by Jenna / 06/29/2011 at 8:04pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

by techiefIve / 06/14/2011 at 6:04am / United States (California) / Geek

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she takes the shower head and starts spraying my penis with it. I asked her "what are you doing?" Her response: "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2011 at 10:04am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2011 at 1:44am / United States (Louisiana) / Animals

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

by Anonymous / 05/12/2011 at 12:41am / Animals

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

by Mike / 04/25/2011 at 5:39pm / Health

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

by cdn_steed / 04/23/2011 at 9:11am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class, I changed my schedule for "personal reasons." Apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well. We now have all the same classes together. Before, we had just two. FML

by fatcat117 / 04/21/2011 at 9:53pm / United States (New Mexico) / Love

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

by ShakeRattleHiss / 04/20/2011 at 11:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

by ILiveWithMorons / 04/11/2011 at 11:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

by duncanisgey / 03/04/2011 at 5:57pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

by anonymous / 02/21/2011 at 12:01am / Intimacy