Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick:
Categories :
Man or woman?

lexithepirate

Search for a member

lexithepirate
  • Town/Country : Pills Creek, US
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Wednesday 14 August 1996 (17 years)
  • Number of visits : 521
  • Number of comments : 3
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 4 posted

About lexithepirate : I have snakebites. And I'm taken by a nerd :p He's the best :'3
Music: Asking Alexandria, Mayday Parade, Black Veil Brides, Pierce The Veil, A Day To Remember, Breaking Benjamin, La Dispute, Of Mice & Men, Falling In Reverse.
Message me if you would like to. My Skype is lexithepirate, add me c:

lexithepirate's last visitors

eppsepepsicslaughterjstarflyer59ICastilloCovenant74MaxG123heliraptorimgonnawreckitKidkaplanGabrielleFrancehannnahmarie

lexithepirate's FML badges

Socialite

You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…

Who’s the fairest of them all?

This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.

50 favourites

Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!

See all of lexithepirate's badges

lexithepirate's favorite FMLs

Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML

#20440419
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30896) - you deserved it (2798)

On 01/03/2013 at 6:35am - misc - by Dimples (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

#20430388
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23628) - you deserved it (3319)

On 12/29/2012 at 5:33pm - misc - by killme (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

#20423578
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47750) - you deserved it (4523)

On 12/26/2012 at 1:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML

#20419819
271 comments

I agree, your life sucks (75791) - you deserved it (23121)

On 12/24/2012 at 10:03pm - intimacy - by valnaj1 (woman) - Denmark (Syddanmark)

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

#20411354
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28431) - you deserved it (8505)

On 12/21/2012 at 12:24pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

#20406748
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27640) - you deserved it (14212)

On 12/19/2012 at 12:07am - misc - by ayye_its_nikki - United States (Texas)

Today, a friend informed me that my dog's name means "penis" in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparently I've been screaming for "dong" every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don't talk to me much. FML

#20405418
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28855) - you deserved it (8338)

On 12/18/2012 at 10:30am - misc - by Dog_Lover (woman) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

#20404037
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29244) - you deserved it (7834)

On 12/17/2012 at 6:12pm - misc - by Ape (woman) - United States

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

#20403258
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33191) - you deserved it (13257)

On 12/17/2012 at 3:17am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

#20401192
168 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19194) - you deserved it (4729)

On 12/15/2012 at 7:57pm - work - by lingling (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

#20400460
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24336) - you deserved it (2748)

On 12/15/2012 at 7:33am - love - by Anonymous - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

#20400337
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28491) - you deserved it (2972)

On 12/15/2012 at 3:08am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

#20196663
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7707) - you deserved it (25289)

On 12/08/2012 at 5:52pm - love - by XxtentaculonxX - United Kingdom (Argyll and Bute)

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

#20195358
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22599) - you deserved it (15031)

On 12/07/2012 at 5:40pm - intimacy - by bill219 (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

#20079735
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15920) - you deserved it (1676)

On 09/19/2012 at 7:33pm - kids - by Judy - United States (Pennsylvania)



FML's blog

  • Zoé's Illustrated FML
  • Hey there, young whippersnappers. Yes, you, the youth. I’m talking to you, sitting at home, scratching your asses. Why aren’t you doing something more constructive with your lives? Stop watching that shit…

Friday 18 April 2014

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: