laden_swallow09

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Offline (the 06/29/2016 at 3:33am)

laden_swallow09

62Fucked!

laden_swallow09laden_swallow09
  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Wednesday 23 June 1937 (79 years old)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 18473
  • Number of comments : 3390
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 14 posted

About laden_swallow09 : They updated the App, so I can read my hate mail! Yay!

I really wish I could take back some of my FYL or YDI votes, since I tend to miss the button I'm aiming for. And why did they replace the YDI button with this stupid "Glad It Wasn't Me" bullshit? Making FML a more friendly and PC place? I dun geddit. Speaking of PC, this website is ageist against the elderly! Try changing your birthday and see what happens when you say you're born before 1936.

I like to point out stupidity whenever I see it, but that's likely why you're here on my profile, innit?

"It's now very common for them to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that,' as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning. It has no purpose. It has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what?" – Stephen Fry, actor/comedian

If you're thinking about getting an iPhone 6/+, don't. They're way too big.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot…
HEIL, SPELLCHECK!

laden_swallow09's page activity

Visits<b>URBeingLied2</b> - the 11/28/2016 at 5:46pm<b>AylienOfLmao</b> - the 11/15/2016 at 3:01pm<b>hackint0sh1</b> - the 09/06/2016 at 4:53pm<b>cuz803</b> - the 08/26/2016 at 8:26pm<b>yuno_gasai</b> - the 08/26/2016 at 3:28am<b>I_Am_The_Cold</b> - the 08/21/2016 at 9:56pm<b>Dr_Awesome654</b> - the 08/20/2016 at 3:13pm<b>optimusic</b> - the 08/08/2016 at 8:21am<b>NostalgiaFreak9</b> - the 07/25/2016 at 3:51pm<b>Ava_Darkflame</b> - the 07/25/2016 at 12:39pm<b>ImKimitheEmo</b> - the 07/11/2016 at 4:14pm<b>French_giirl</b> - the 06/29/2016 at 6:11pm<b>arsh_fz</b> - the 06/29/2016 at 1:38pm<b>Welshite</b> - the 06/28/2016 at 10:35pm<b>brownapple</b> - the 06/27/2016 at 2:00am<b>purple_bunnies</b> - the 06/24/2016 at 2:48am<b>SaltLord</b> - the 06/22/2016 at 10:54pm<b>Jxce</b> - the 06/22/2016 at 3:03am

Fucked!<b>cuz803</b> - the 08/27/2016 at 2:26am<b>ImKimitheEmo</b> - the 07/11/2016 at 10:14pm<b>EvilLittleGirl</b> - the 06/21/2016 at 11:46pm<b>sinisterviper</b> - the 06/06/2016 at 11:44pm<b>cheyluvsturtles</b> - the 05/31/2016 at 7:29am<b>WarMachine68</b> - the 05/28/2016 at 4:37pm<b>TheGamingGamer</b> - the 05/25/2016 at 3:10pm<b>ThunderLightTSV</b> - the 05/17/2016 at 4:37am<b>Farklez</b> - the 03/29/2016 at 11:18pm<b>Welshite</b> - the 03/11/2016 at 3:24pm<b>crack229</b> - the 03/05/2016 at 7:43pm<b>Toonice45</b> - the 02/08/2016 at 4:59am<b>phoneaddict13</b> - the 02/07/2016 at 9:48pm<b>LivToFail</b> - the 01/25/2016 at 3:48pm<b>cupcakebruh</b> - the 01/11/2016 at 8:07pm<b>MzZombicidal</b> - the 01/08/2016 at 4:39am<b>explodedtaco</b> - the 01/04/2016 at 12:17pm<b>Seashells77</b> - the 01/04/2016 at 8:18am

laden_swallow09's FML badges

I never take things to heart

Having said that, my 3 comments on that FML were really worth it.

Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!

Socialite

You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…

See all of laden_swallow09's badges

laden_swallow09's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

by taintedlover / 05/13/2014 at 5:31pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

by STOP / 05/08/2014 at 9:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2014 at 6:47pm / United States (Nevada) / Work

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

by assgoblins piss me off / 05/06/2014 at 4:52pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to once again lie to a customer about why I was the only one manning the shop, saying that they must have run out for lunch - my coworkers were too busy getting stoned in their cars to do their job. FML

by FallingNinjaa / 05/01/2014 at 8:07pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

by FMBs / 04/30/2014 at 7:40pm / Puerto Rico / Intimacy

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

by Anonymous Pillock / 04/30/2014 at 6:25pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

by Shit / 04/27/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 1:57am / Canada / Kids

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2014 at 3:17am / United States (South Dakota) / Kids

Today, I was at the sandwich shop I work in. A customer came in and requested an assorted sub. As I finished putting on the sauces, I looked up to see the customer's face set in horror. Apparently I didn't notice that I licked my fingers clean after getting some mayonnaise on them. FML

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I've been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the east coast who are trying to return their shoes. They want to speak to my supervisor because I "don't sound professional enough." FML

by orangemango / 04/22/2014 at 2:18am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I sat and watched the CEO of DreamWorks on TV misuse words such as "quantum". He's filthy rich, whereas I'm a savagely underpaid gardener. FML

by PoeticPathetic / 04/15/2014 at 10:28pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

by sad but true. / 04/15/2014 at 7:18pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

by Ticklish / 04/13/2014 at 5:33am / United States (Iowa) / Love