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I WAS AT SEA WORLD AN WAS ABOUT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE BIG WALRUS!! I NOTICED MAH PHONE WAS STILL SET TO USE THE FRONT CAMERA, AN I MUTTERED "OOPS, SELFIE MODE." A GUY NEXT TO ME TURNED, LOOKED AT ME, AN SAID "NOT LIKE THERE'S A DIFFERENCE FIR YOU." FML
Today I receivd yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applid to. After crying 4 a week about how lousy I felt mah older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML
Yesterday... mah wife got all excitedhen she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heret to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML
today I fartd so loudly I not only woke myself up, but ma usband as well. He mistook ma gas for someone trying to break in and insistd on cecking teole ouse. I was too embarrassd to tell im te trut. FML
yesterday mah overly-attachd 14-year-old cat wantd attention while I was in a heatd Skype argument with mah girlfriend. Workd up from the fight, I raisd mah voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bd, had a heart attack and did. I was a complete dick to mah cat in his last moments. FML
Due To My Wife Saying I Never Cook And We Alway Order Pizza, I Spent A Good Hour Preparing Dinner. While Serving It To My Kids, They Startd Complaining. My Wife Told Them To Shut Up. When She Took A Bite, She Lookd Up At Me, Smild, And Said, "Do You, U Know, Want To Just Order Pizza?" Mega FML
Taday I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact and being incredibly bord an seemingly alone at work I managd to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clappd. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a dog run across the road. Feeling sorry for the pup on a cold, rainy night, I pulled my car over to pick it up. Once in, it started freaking out so I turned on the light. It was then that I realized I'd just put a wild coyote on my passenger seat. FML
Friday 27 March 2015