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kalebschmidt

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kalebschmidt

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  • Number of visits : 103
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

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kalebschmidt's favorite FMLs

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

#20731352
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68962) - you deserved it (3956)

On 06/17/2013 at 12:43pm - intimacy - by hinting (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

#20701323
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68090) - you deserved it (4153)

On 06/02/2013 at 2:10pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

#20698637
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65650) - you deserved it (18716)

On 06/01/2013 at 1:09am - intimacy - by Samprib (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

#20667250
199 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73186) - you deserved it (6149)

On 05/16/2013 at 3:49pm - intimacy - by need € for new iron (woman) - Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)

Today, my mom came back from a major surgery. She also had a yeast infection. I had to push the applicator in because she couldn't bend down. This cannot be unfelt. FML

#20641584
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49651) - you deserved it (3026)

On 05/04/2013 at 7:26pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

#20606960
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49112) - you deserved it (7021)

On 04/20/2013 at 6:51am - misc - by MaggotMother (woman) - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

#20547294
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28218) - you deserved it (49349)

On 03/17/2013 at 5:07am - intimacy - by Cliché... or Touché? -

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

#20544502
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48574) - you deserved it (5528)

On 03/15/2013 at 6:28am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I met my mom's fiancé. He's a nice guy, he's also my wife's dad. I'll soon call my wife my sister. FML

#20544337
161 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47224) - you deserved it (2997)

On 03/15/2013 at 1:31am - misc - by guy - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I picked up my new car. The dealer offered to connect my iPhone to the Bluetooth system for me. Once connected it automatically started playing the audiobook I had been listening to over the stereo system. Right on a passage which had an extremely graphic description of anal sex. FML

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

#20543064
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27799) - you deserved it (4935)

On 03/14/2013 at 2:21am - health - by Kimberpoo (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

#20542468
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38754) - you deserved it (3783)

On 03/13/2013 at 7:22pm - love - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

#20541635
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41788) - you deserved it (15695)

On 03/13/2013 at 12:57am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

#20531751
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43878) - you deserved it (4247)

On 03/05/2013 at 12:25am - misc - by Anonymous (man) -

Today, I parked next to a police officer's car in a bad part of town. When I got out, I saw a bag of pot on the ground between the cop's car and mine. When I pointed it out to him, he insisted it was mine and interrogated me to the point of tears. FML

#20531724
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35914) - you deserved it (4361)

On 03/05/2013 at 12:08am - misc - by goodgrief (woman) - United States (New Mexico)



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