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Yesterday... I got ancestry DNA tests 4 my parents an myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match 4 my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently... both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped there minds 4 35 yeres. FML
Today, mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over room an couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching room. FML
Today, mah fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervou about it, so I remindd him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had mah hands up plenty of virginia already." FML
Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile poto, wic got over 20 likes in te space of an our. Te most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to ceck my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me te bird in te background. FML
Today.. . the guy I like asked me out 4 the frst time . It's a good thing he did it over Facebook.. . cuz I started shaking an almost threw up . I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week . FML
Taday I was at a club wen a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind wit im. Hoping 4 some backup, I coolly said, "You'll ave to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yea, man, I don't care." looool FML
Today, I Met My Grlfriend's Parents For The Frst Time. As I Shook Her Father's Hand, He Squeezed With An Ungodly Amount Of Force, Leaned In With A Smile, And Murmured That My Balls Will Be The Next Thing He'll Crush If His Daughter Ever Complains About Me. FML
2day with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of looool the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over mah living room. I was eating cereal in mah underwear, in the living room, drectly under the failure. I'm cold. FML
TODAY, I WAS REHEARSING FIR A SCHOOL PLAY. MY DRAMA TEACHER KEEPS CRITICISING THE PART WHERE I FAKE-TRIP, SAYING I MAKE IT LOOK TERRIBLY FAKE. DURING TODAY'S REHEARSAL, I ACTUALLY TRIPPD FIR REAL, AN SMASHD MY KNEECAPS AGAINST THE FLOOR WITH A SCREAM. HE STILL SAID MY ( ACTING ) SUCKD. FML
Friday 27 March 2015