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jooginowitz's favorite FMLs
Today, I forgot to take a certain medication that helps turn my lead logs into flaky floaters. So what happens? I'm in the restroom for 30 minutes, straining to go, and two girls walk in and start imitating me. FML
by Anonymous / 01/20/2010 at 9:18pm / United States / Health
Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML
by motheroftwo / 01/06/2010 at 3:41am / Norway (Oslo) / Animals
Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML
by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 2:28pm / United States / Love
by Cathy / 12/14/2009 at 12:03am / United States (Florida) / Money
by NeedHeadPhone / 11/30/2009 at 11:51am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML
by homewrecker / 11/08/2009 at 10:39am / United States / Love
Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML
by LovesHisHand / 09/20/2009 at 4:55pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by ginny / 09/10/2009 at 1:18pm / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy
by Timmah / 08/31/2009 at 1:18am / United States (Michigan) / Work
by mommy_issues / 08/29/2009 at 12:46pm / United States (South Carolina) / Health
by R_U_CEREAL / 07/04/2009 at 4:58am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy
Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML
by LondonKitsch / 06/26/2009 at 12:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML
by Anonymous / 06/20/2009 at 1:14pm / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy
Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML
by feminist / 06/17/2009 at 11:25am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Money
Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML
by unicorn / 06/12/2009 at 12:49pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
- Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize… Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans…