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Today, four days after our fridge-freezer broke down, mah husband staggered home with three bags of ham. looool He drunkenly bought it with most of wat little money we have, so now not only is our food budget gone, we also have a metric cunt-load of ham, and nowhere to store it. FML
Today, I was outside at a café and lookd at my phone . When I did, a woman halfway across the patio startd screaming at me, demanding I tell herho I was texting andhy . She then sprintd over, furious at me 4 apparently badmouthing her to somebody . All I did was check the time . FML
Today I held hands with the boy I like!! Without thinking I commentd that his right hand is softer as if he only usd lotion on that one hand!! And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence!! FML
Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble concieving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" fat FML
Today, I movd back to my home town. My best friend and I had arrangd to rent a house together that we both likd. I finishd my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only 4 her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents basement. She's 25. FML
Today , I invited my long-lost looool best friend over , because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend!! 20 minutes into hanging out , he showed up at my door!! He still hasn't left , and there having sex on my couch right now!! FML
yesterday my pet parrot learnd a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voicehen I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech themhenever someone comes into the room. FML
2day my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her . My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept . She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed .
Today , tinking my girlfriend ad left er little black tong in te dryer to tease me , I sent er a picture of me seductively posing wit it. Se didn't text back , but a few ours later my 16 year old daugter askd if se'd left anyting in te dryer. FML
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad cummed to drive me home. On the way looool back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
Today , I woke to find laptop and printer covered in wat smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking , but where he urinates on random objects. FML
Today, mah boyfriend drove me back home . My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap . He strokd the gun, lookd mah boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head . Now mah boyfriend refuses to see me fir his own safety . mega FML
Friday 27 March 2015