heimdallr

Search for a member

Offline (the 06/27/2016 at 1:21am)

heimdallr

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 1386
  • Number of comments : 42
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

This member hasn't filled in their description.

heimdallr's page activity

Visits<b>melons</b> - the 08/31/2015 at 5:37am<b>BrittanyChayanne</b> - the 01/16/2015 at 6:00am<b>WitcherBoi</b> - the 10/22/2014 at 10:06pm<b>edvin</b> - the 10/01/2014 at 2:22am<b>Mons</b> - the 08/12/2014 at 2:04pm<b>cnparks1990</b> - the 04/19/2014 at 11:49pm<b>Waspinator1998</b> - the 03/11/2014 at 1:11am<b>RogueX7</b> - the 03/31/2013 at 3:01am<b>martinez121797</b> - the 03/15/2013 at 2:23pm<b>raphanne</b> - the 02/17/2013 at 6:34am<b>mybluedream</b> - the 01/02/2013 at 4:37pm<b>Kitastropheee</b> - the 12/26/2012 at 2:54pm<b>PyroAngel1821</b> - the 12/26/2012 at 12:51am<b>Dracoboxer357</b> - the 09/12/2012 at 12:57pm<b>IneffableLullaby</b> - the 09/12/2012 at 12:29am<b>lmc94</b> - the 08/23/2012 at 8:36pm<b>dlcj22</b> - the 07/17/2012 at 8:58am<b>kyleekay</b> - the 06/13/2012 at 2:00am

heimdallr's FML badges

The Mixer

You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.

Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!

An insomniac or a creature of the dark

You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.

See all of heimdallr's badges

heimdallr's favorite FMLs

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2011 at 5:17pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

by buiuuum / 07/27/2011 at 12:35pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

by Username / 07/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States / Health

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

by Whatdididowrong? / 05/10/2011 at 1:18am / Kids

Today, I got pulled over. Suspicious that I'd been drinking, the police officer made me walk a straight line and recite the alphabet. I failed both. I was completely sober. FML

by spekledworf / 05/02/2011 at 5:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

by Anonymous / 03/21/2011 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Geek

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

by failureparent / 03/20/2011 at 9:25pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

by Lauren Smith / 10/17/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

by whatheffers / 07/07/2010 at 12:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

by xricardo / 06/04/2010 at 8:52pm / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

by Dog fart / 02/13/2010 at 11:08am / United States / Animals

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2010 at 10:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML

by unbelievable208 / 08/05/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

by creepermagnet / 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm / United States (Maryland) / Love