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heimdallr's FML badges
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
heimdallr's favorite FMLs
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
by Anonymous / 08/25/2011 at 5:17pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by buiuuum / 07/27/2011 at 12:35pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids
by Username / 07/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States / Health
by Whatdididowrong? / 05/10/2011 at 1:18am / Kids
by spekledworf / 05/02/2011 at 5:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 03/21/2011 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Geek
Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML
by failureparent / 03/20/2011 at 9:25pm / United States (California) / Geek
by Lauren Smith / 10/17/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (California) / Kids
by whatheffers / 07/07/2010 at 12:40pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML
by xricardo / 06/04/2010 at 8:52pm / United States (Arizona) / Health
by Dog fart / 02/13/2010 at 11:08am / United States / Animals
by Anonymous / 01/06/2010 at 10:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Love
Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML
by Anonymous / 10/08/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
by unbelievable208 / 08/05/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
by creepermagnet / 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm / United States (Maryland) / Love
- Today, I decided to sink low enough to sign up for one of those 'get paid for taking a survey site'… Today, our air conditioner went out. Trying to stay cool, I used an ice pack from when I sprained… Today, I'm sick. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't leaving for college in three days, and…