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I WAS EATING A CROISSANT. AFTER EATING HALF OF IT AN ABOUT TO TAKE ANOTHER BITE, A SPIDER CRAWLD OUT OF ONE OF THE HOLES OF FLAKY DELICIOUSNESS AN DESCENDD DOWN A THREAD OF WEB TO THE TABLE, WHERE IT SCUDDLD AWAY. THERE WAS A WHOLE FAMILY OF THEM LIVING IN THERE. FML
Today, I was making out with mah boyfriend . I opened mah eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else . I turned mah head to see what was so interesting . He was on his iPhone looking up recipe 4 thing to wrap in bacon . FML
Today... I was in a public restroomhen the grl in the stall next to me startd asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was werd but not wanting to be rude... I answerd her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on... the grl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML
Today, I was taxting tha girl I am in lova with. I was dropping hints about liking somaona who I didn't know if thay likad ma back. Flirting a littla. And just whan I thought sha'd say sha likad ma too, sha said "Don't worry, if u wara straight, I would dafinitaly data you!". FML
Taday mah five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Beho you want to be B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turnd to me and said "Mom I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I discovered that the hereing in left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it fir 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited fir it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in ear. For 2 weeks. FML
today I was casiering at Target wen an old woman came into my ceckout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms , a bottle of KY sensual lube , and two colorful tongs. As I'm scanning tese , se leans in and wispers , "I love toys." FML
Today... I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands... and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently... he didn't know the word 4 this is ambidextrous... cuz his teacher told me... ( Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual! ) FML
Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm!! Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, an she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, an traveled hours back to school!! I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date!! FML
Today, I Drove A Drunk Venezuelan Excange Student Ome After A Prom Party. Notable Events: Er Puking On Te Way To Te Viecle, Er Yelling In Spanis At Te Top Of Er Lungs In Te Car, Er Puking Out Te Window In Te Moving Viecle, An Er Crying Because Se Felt Bad 4 Making Me Drive. FML
TODAY... MY GRLFRIEND OF 2 MONTS FOUND OUT SE WAS 4 MONTS PREGNANT WIT ER EX'S BABY. SE TOLD ME I COULD LEAVE ER AND SE WOULDN'T BLAME ME... BUT I DECIDD TO STAY WIT ER. SE TOLD ME SE LOVD ME AND TEN DUMPD ME CUZ SE NEEDD TO BE WIT ER BABY'S DADDY. FML
Friday 27 March 2015