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Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17-years old, and was deadly serious. FML
Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML
Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML
Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML
Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Friday 22 May 2015