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About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML
Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML
Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML
Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin. I guess I got slightly carried away, because I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of my face, up my nose and into my eye. FML
Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML
Thursday 23 April 2015