About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the living room. I jumped up and went running, only to find out it was my mother, who'd screamed at some dramatic plot twist in a Sex and the City episode. FML
by leastitwasntsurpriseanal / 08/22/2014 at 4:26pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
by haileelouxxx / 08/22/2014 at 8:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML
by Face fucking palm / 07/22/2014 at 11:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
by and god shat / 07/11/2014 at 7:38pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals
by failed dad / 06/25/2014 at 8:30am / Greece (Attiki) / Kids
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
by Anonymous / 06/18/2014 at 3:06pm / United States (Florida) / Work
Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML
by Anonymous / 06/14/2014 at 2:42am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Kids
Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2014 at 6:20pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML
by shart up, your puns suck / 06/01/2014 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous
by Idk / 05/29/2014 at 2:46am / United States (Florida) / Animals
Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML
by HouseWife / 05/20/2014 at 10:24pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids
Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I am afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML
by BaggedDown / 05/07/2014 at 9:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by melmel / 05/05/2014 at 1:07am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML
by Anonymous / 05/02/2014 at 10:04am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids
by tothebaneofkings / 04/23/2014 at 12:20am / United States / Miscellaneous