About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 03/21/2011 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Geek
Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML
by gayboii / 03/19/2011 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Intimacy
by Albert06 / 03/14/2011 at 5:26pm / France / Love
by Anonymous / 03/13/2011 at 9:19am / United States (Tennessee) / Animals
by dumped / 03/10/2011 at 4:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
by Anonymous / 03/06/2011 at 12:18am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that if you see a picture in your boss's office of a extremely good looking, big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek, not to comment. Because that extremely good looking, big breasted woman, just might be his daughter. FML
by st00pid / 03/04/2011 at 1:07am / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, my friend and I taught a very involved healthy nutrition program to underprivileged youths at a local center. We even made them a healthy snack at the end of the program. Within minutes of the program being over, we catch some of our fellow volunteers feeding the kids Oreos. FML
by Pickle / 03/03/2011 at 1:58am / United States (Illinois) / Work
Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML
by Anonymous / 02/28/2011 at 1:29pm / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Work
by jm_track / 02/26/2011 at 5:59pm / United States (Montana) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/24/2011 at 5:09pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML
by Goatbeard / 02/15/2011 at 12:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2011 at 7:09pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health
- Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed… Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded.… Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm…