About fightingkittens : Once upon a time I had an FML published. Unfortunately I neglected to make a proper sacrifice of watermelons and chimney sweeps to the All-Sentient Sniping and Hissing Ovarian Longitudinal Entity and as a result of this grievance, it was never credited to my profile. You can find it by searching "staph infection" in the search bar--the name on the account is accurate.
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The Thumb returns
You have thumbed 5000 comments.
Between your Facebook account and your FML account, things are no longer complicated: their relationship is official. We like this.
How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
fightingkittens's favorite FMLs
Today, I surprised my 7 and 1.5 year old girls with a princess dinner. I quickly realized it was a scam when the "princesses" arrived looking more suited to a bachelor party. I was able to quickly get the girls out, but have spent the evening explaining why Pocahontas was heavily tattooed. FML
by colorfun / 05/17/2015 at 11:38pm / United States (Indiana) / Kids
by Anonymous / 05/03/2015 at 3:42am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML
by Anonymous / 03/20/2015 at 12:56pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Work
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML
by fuck / 03/18/2015 at 1:40pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous
by spicybasement / 03/17/2015 at 11:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML
by musicteacher / 03/12/2015 at 6:23am / United States (North Carolina) / Work
by parkoursam / 03/10/2015 at 12:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Health
Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML
by killme / 03/07/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML
by Microtron / 03/02/2015 at 7:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/26/2015 at 6:24pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous
by highschoolsucks / 01/20/2015 at 9:41pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/02/2015 at 11:20am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
by Anonymous / 12/20/2014 at 5:42pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids
by fuck / 12/16/2014 at 4:04pm / Norway (Buskerud) / Health
by Anonymous / 12/12/2014 at 11:02am / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't…