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Today, I attended a family gathering. My cousin's new baby was being passed around. By way of politely declining to hold it, I meant to say that I looked forward to getting to know it better once it could talk. What I blurted out instead was, "I can't wait until it resembles a human being." FML
Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML
Today, I got a call from my very drunk boyfriend at 1:30am asking for my permission to have sex with a "gross fat chick" he met at a pub, because he "felt sorry for her". The conversation ended with me getting hung up on because I "don't have a heart". FML
Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML
Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML
Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML
Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML
Wednesday 13 August 2014