About emeraldisle : I'm awesome.
After being on this site for a while, I've come to realise that sarcasm and humour are lost on a lot of people.
About emeraldisle : I'm awesome.
emeraldisle's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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emeraldisle's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML
by whoops / 08/01/2014 at 4:45pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML
by lacieQ / 08/01/2014 at 4:09pm / Canada / Health
by Anonymous / 07/31/2014 at 12:24pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML
by Face fucking palm / 07/22/2014 at 11:36pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
by justthinkofyourhand / 07/13/2014 at 6:36pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML
by all puked out / 07/13/2014 at 5:14pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/13/2014 at 4:00pm / Spain (Catalonia) / Intimacy
by boob sisters / 07/02/2014 at 1:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
by unwanted daughter / 07/02/2014 at 11:54am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
by Anonymous / 06/27/2014 at 7:50pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy
Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML
by Pisser / 06/26/2014 at 12:57am / United States (Oregon) / Animals
by Anonymous / 06/23/2014 at 3:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my coworker was telling me about his mom, when he asked about mine. I told him that I've never met my mom, because she died during my childbirth. It's a very painful subject for me, but all the same, my coworkers have decided they'll now only address me as "Tyrion". FML
by the lannisters send their retards / 06/17/2014 at 4:30pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work
Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML
Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML
by green and not with envy / 06/13/2014 at 4:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health