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Today, I hadn't slept well and I was very tired. I put my hair straightener on to heat up and then got dressed. It just so happens that my deoderant is right next to my burning hot hair straightener. Guess which one I picked up and put under my arm. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16225) - you totally deserved it (26998)
On 07/29/2009 at 4:10pm - misc - by redxtulip (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
I agree, your life sucks (44538) - you totally deserved it (3743)
On 07/29/2009 at 12:46pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Vermont)
Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML
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On 07/29/2009 at 3:23am - misc - by Nikse (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML
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On 07/29/2009 at 1:53am - misc - by jcesom - United States (West Virginia)
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML
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On 07/26/2009 at 1:57am - love - by treegirl (woman) - United States
Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML
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On 07/14/2009 at 8:23am - misc - by paddy (woman) - United Kingdom
Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML
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On 07/04/2009 at 5:07pm - love - by DutchOven (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I decided to make pancakes from scratch. I poured the batter in my Perfect Pancake pan. Then I told my brother who was watching, "This is so easy. Just watch." I burned 15 pancakes, including the one I dropped on the burner, which lit on fire, causing the alarm to go off. FML
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On 06/25/2009 at 3:22pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Connecticut)
Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself "what the hell is solid water??". Then I heard my little cousin say "ice". I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML
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On 06/23/2009 at 10:19am - work - by uneek14 (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML
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On 05/25/2009 at 2:05pm - love - by Angelofkarma (woman) - United Kingdom (Essex)
Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours." FML
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On 05/21/2009 at 8:18pm - intimacy - by screwed (woman) - United States
Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
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On 05/17/2009 at 8:33am - intimacy - by wtfdreams (man) - United States (California)
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Dunzo15 (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 10:24am - health - by Ian (man) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
