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100 kick ass comments
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desoto96's favorite FMLs
Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML
by dumbasdogshit / 08/10/2012 at 8:45pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health
Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML
by me / 05/18/2012 at 10:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Money
Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML
by Anonymous / 01/13/2012 at 7:09pm / Sweden (Jonkopings Lan) / Miscellaneous
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
by Notadrinkanddriveidiot / 12/07/2011 at 9:46am / United States / Miscellaneous
by alliez108 / 11/17/2011 at 7:50pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Great... / 11/09/2011 at 5:48pm / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy
by Lexiebear27 / 09/19/2011 at 11:56am / United States / Work
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
by Stuck / 09/08/2011 at 6:00am / United States / Health
Today, I found out that getting caught in a barbed wire fence isn't as bad as it sounds. Running through a forest at night, tripping over one, rolling down an embankment, and getting swiped by a car, however, is. FML
by Why_Not31 / 09/01/2011 at 5:58pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML
by Sam / 06/24/2011 at 12:46am / Canada (Alberta) / Work
by longlostkid556 / 06/05/2011 at 12:14am / United States (California) / Love
by groomsman / 08/24/2010 at 8:19am / United States (Michigan) / Love
Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML
by welted / 01/01/2010 at 12:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML
by beaten / 09/13/2009 at 2:17am / United States (Idaho) / Health
by joedoe / 07/18/2009 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, at 16, I had my first swimming lesson. I have to do it for physiotherapy and really didn't… Today, I met the man of my dreams. Hot, funny, smart, sensitive, he guesses at what I need before I… Today, my live in boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for the last three days because…