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Today, I was reading a newspaper at a bus stop when a creepy guy rested his chin on my shoulder and said, "I miss the good old days, when people would read newspapers together and it wasn't classed as weird." Then he walked away. FML
Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML
Today, my husband and I threw a party with non-alcoholic wine. No one acted wasted, until in the last hour my grandmother started slurring her words and slumping. We thought she was joking, until a doctor at the party confirmed she was having a stroke. FML
Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML
Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML
Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML
Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML
Monday 1 September 2014